Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
