If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
