Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
