Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
