I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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