also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
