I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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