i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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