Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i think i just lost a toe
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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