when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I want to be your penis for a week.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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