Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He shit in the fireplace
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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