I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex