I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
