It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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