Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Someone shit on the floor
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
