Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
