The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
