dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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