Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
