these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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