She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
