sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
