my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
