I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
