I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
