My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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