also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
