he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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