the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
