On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
