i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
