I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
