there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
