woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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