I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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