Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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