i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
