just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
