My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
