i need an iv and a liver transplant
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
