In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i've created a new STD.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
