Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize