I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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