you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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