I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
