i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
