Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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