ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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