look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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