You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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