I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
