i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
