I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
