So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
