i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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