She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
