This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
