garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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