oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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