the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
