I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
