first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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