so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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