Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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