I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
