I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize